Now is the time of year where we traditionally declare war on the things that are piled up and unused in our homes. We throw away old things, give to charity and in general consolidate. We also get busy and clean our homes. We do the type of cleaning that is not typically done during the winter. The deep scrubs to the carpet, the window detail (everyone hates cleaning windows) we scrub, scrub and scrub the areas that need the most attention.

But what are we doing when it comes to “spring cleaning” with our wives? Are you content that you have just done what you “think” you were supposed to do? Or are you cleaning up your home (your behavior) so that you can have an even more fruitful crop of peace in your home? Are you focusing on loving and being the type of servant in your home that Yeshua the Master is to us? Are you finding joy in taking out the garbage and doing the dishes, even after a really tough day at the office? Are you doing any spring cleaning? Are you focused on the meticulous details of mercy and truth in your home that will elevate your relationship with your wife to the next level?

Just know this; everything that we do that is considered mundane has a very deep spiritual significance in Hashem’s eyes. When you take a look at your relationship with your wife, what thing can you do that would be a “deep clean?” What would be the equivalent of scrubbing the floors? Or what would be the equivalent of cleaning the gutters or scrubbing and finishing the baseboards? Are you doing the hard work, or are you just maintaining?

Remember when you are just maintaining in your relationship with your wife you are not increasing the relationship performance? In other words, you are not bringing any more shalom into your home. Consider in the world of shalom that there are no limits. Just like there are no limits in YHWH. You can continue to grow. This should be our attitude when we look at our relationships with our wives.

As an exercise of “deep cleaning;” allow me to suggest three things to you that will enhance the relationship with your wife, thus increasing shalom in the home:

• Don’t complain - When we complain to our wives about anything, even outside experiences that we have had, we are not truly complaining about the people that we think are at the root of our problem. We are really complaining against YHWH. Why? Because Romans 8:28 says that G-d causes all things to work together for the good …. So we should be looking to YHWH and praying to him about our concerns and not complaining and especially bringing things home to our wives. Consider that if we are doing spring cleaning, how crazy would it be to bring in more junk and dust into our homes? Likewise we should not be bringing complaints and gripes to our wives. We should take all of our concerns to YAH in prayer.
  
  
• Take notes - We should be looking and studying our wives and know what their likes and dislikes are. When we limit our complaints and then add the spring cleaning utensil of taking notes, we become most effective in our execution of gifts and words. This makes your wife know that you care. You are interested in her well being and you are bringing the right tools to the job. Liken your wife’s complaints to idea that the driveway is full of oil smudges and she has been mentioning it for several weeks. If she comes home and you have torn out the entire driveway to remove the smudges she will know what you lack the discernment needed to make her happy. But, if you quickly with joy remove the oil when you can, she will see that you care about her concerns and are occupied with quality of her well being.
  
  
• Give her some time - Spend some time (quality time) listening to our wife. Give her the type of time that is uninterrupted with noise or phones ringing. Take your time with her and actually inquire about her day. Make her know that you just want to listen. Don’t go to ‘fix it’ mode when she begins to open up. Just listen and make sure she knows you care. You, listening to your wife and seeding quality time with her is most important to the overall vitality of the relationship.

Spend some time in these steps and I assure you that your relationship with Yah will grow AND you will definitely increase the level of shalom in the home.

Blessings to you and shalom to your home!

All relationships require work. This is one of the most overlooked and under-appreciated areas of our human being tool chest. We think just because someone is married to us or that we have a few friends on Facebook and folks humor us by laughing at our jokes, that we have mastered the art of having a good relationship. Think again. Just like any other working organism, whether it is mechanical or flesh and blood, it requires maintenance work and dedication. I have outlined a few of the practical styles of relationship for reference just so you will have something to make you feel good about the way you manage your situations…or maybe not. So here goes,

Style 1 – Dominator
This style looks to always have the upper hand in relations. He/she will create the situation that leaves you with options and very little input. He/she will intimidate when necessary. Sometimes the intimidation will come so smoothly that you don’t even recognize it and when you least expect it, you have been dominated once again, unless this actually describes you. This person never gets the short end of the stick. They tend to always get their way and if they don’t they will either become irate and agitated or will pout or shut down to change the odds to their favor. So, while you are thinking about who this is, and deflecting the light off of yourself, because that is what a dominator does, check this out. Dominators don’t always have the heavy hand. Sometimes they operate in a subtle and unannounced way. They almost appear meek and humble. They never make a fuss openly but they are up to the same things internally.

Style 2 – No Conflict
In the “No Conflict” style, you will never allow them to see you sweat; at least at first. In a one on one relationship this person will not bring out any offenses because they don’t want to seem “argumentative.” They don’t want to “fight” and unfortunately this style of communication always brings out the fight anyways because of the buildup of issues inside and the emotional attachment that they have to these issues. The conflict is unavoidable. This person views conflict as bad. Although he/she does not look to have conflict, this is not someone who is incapable of having their buttons pushed. They won’t take crap from you. They just don’t like conflict. Don’t expect that this style can be pushed around. They won’t. So just know if you are looking for someone that you would like to talk things out when things are out of whack. This is not that person.

Style 3 – The Fixer
The fixer is someone who listens for problems or situations and takes ownership and immediate responsibility for them and goes to work trying to fix the problem. This person is usually of the analytical mind and has done well and is looked upon as someone that can get things done. It doesn’t matter the size of the problem. This person is always in an action mode and is only satisfied when the ‘fix” is in. The fixer views problems as complaints and sometimes views the complaints as personal attacks on his/ her character. He/she views the world from a broke /fix, black & white perspective and has a hard time understanding that the world is in color and sometimes the colors don’t match!

Here are just a few of the relationship styles, as you should know there are many more. And as we have labeled them “relationship styles,” they could also be called communication styles. But understanding that communication and relationship are directly linked will help us as we grow in the muscle called relationship.

Suggestions on the Styles
Style 1 – Dominator
If you are a Dominator, listen, listen, and listen! Actively seek the opinion of others instead of building a case for your own opinion. Really try to understand the other person’s viewpoint before selling your own. Try making suggestions that utilize all of the information that you have gathered. This type of person is usually an ‘A’ type personality. As you utilize this listening muscle you will be strengthening your leadership skills and increasing your worth to your relationship circle. Remember the heart of a true leader is a servant’s heart. Be focused on how you can serve; not only your spouse, but also others.

Style 2 – No Conflict
Check it out: No conflict. You have to understand that conflict or disagreement is a natural part of being a human being. Work on embracing the differences in communication. Also, (and I know this one will be hard) work on being straight with your feelings and opinions. You see, you tend to minimize your own feelings when the opposing thoughts or viewpoints are presented and you think to yourself “it’s no big deal” and you shrug off your own. Your opinions are important. G-D gave them to you and you should start to share your thoughts and work at this. I know it won’t be easy and your spouse / friends are going to have to get used to your new boldness, but as you break through you will find out how much more amazing your relationships can be and at the same time you are building your leadership and communication skills.

Style 3 – The Fixer
Fixers, realize that every issue that is brought to you does not require your might and logic. Most issues that are being brought to you require that you listen. For a fixer this is almost impossible. But understand that this is what is required. Sometimes you will have to fix something and sometimes you will just need to be available to listen. It is what it is. Focusing on listening and asking questions will be the key to you building your relationship muscle and growing your influence. Just know, sometimes people just need a good friend to listen. You will have to learn through much listening and hearing, when you are to be in action and when you are to be in listening.

Relationships are complex and take time and work. Know this; these styles along with others not mentioned, could be intermingled. In other words, someone could be a Fixer-Dominator…I hope not! But it could be out there.

Also, don’t count me as the expert. I am someone just like you that is growing and developing in my relationship skills. If you are having serious problems with your relationships you should seek the advice of your local spiritual leader, or licensed and certified medical counselor. Moreover, know that if you are a person that has or is looking to build a relationship with G-D, then you should look at the scriptures for examples of how this is done. I believe the stronger the relationship we have with G-D the stronger our relationships will be with each other. And likewise, the stronger our relationship is with each other, the stronger we reflect the loving relationship that is available with our creator.